Y Friday, October 16, 2009
2:10 pm
Today was a day of firsts and lasts, of alpha and omega. Oddly, it's easy to describe how I feel. A mixture of relief and indifference.I feel relief - relief stemming from today's arrival. I may at long last shed this false skin I wear. It is finished. The deed is done. I have waited two years for dawn. Time did not fly. It was cruel, it crawled, mocking me at every turn.
Lady Luck was not kind. The roll of the dice worked against me. Seemingly random encounters thought it amusing to fulfill the extreme end of Murphy's law. I stuck it through. What choice did I have, really?
I will be thankful for one thing. My days were uneventful, not because of a lack of effort but rather a colossal one to keep things uninteresting and routine. No surprises - I would have none of that.
There comes a time where a man has to, quite simply, walk away. Because really, there is nothing left, or rather, there was nothing in the first place.
For once, or rather, for a long time coming, I can finally walk away from something completely. This is closure of the surest kind.
I expected elation. Ecstasy. Afterall, this was the goal in mind. From the first day, this was what I set my sights on. The end. Only the bells of joy never pealed. It never came. It wasn't because a sense of loss overcame the thrills of freedom, not at all. In fact it's inexplicable. The whole affair was neither joyous nor melancholic. Maybe it's because induced nostalgia can trigger a recall of less.. desirable memories as a side effect. Who knows?
Above all, I am tired and indifferent. Hate something long enough and fatigue creeps in. It was no falsehood when they said hating is tiring. I've felt it all - any negative feelings a human can know. Now, I just want to forget. This never happened. This is detachment. A goodbye for the sake of saying goodbye, for all it's worth.
There are no regrets, for there were no expectations.
I come with nothing and leave with nothing. I take away nothing and give away nothing. There are no debts between us.
May the years of '08 and '09 remain a void, forgotten and lost.
Goodbye.