Y Tuesday, September 15, 2009
9:05 pm
Sometimes you're presented with two extremes, and it's hard to choose. You've always stuck to one, then one day you decide to move. It feels good, and you keep moving.You make good progress, halfway there. Then you're caught in the middle and you get stuck there. You realize it's completely messed up, and you were better off at that goddamn corner, where you never moved. Maybe it wasn't good but at least it wasn't hard and you could keep lying to yourself that you didn't care.
Jesus. For all that I studied for Chem, I now realize how much I did not know. It's no longer "I don't know what I don't know." I worked towards "knowing everything" and I'm suspended now in "knowing what I don't know".
The end results don't change, it's just more difficult for me to deal with. Maybe it's like what Daniel said. The more you look at certain things, the less you know. Ignorance is bliss.
I hate the goddamn fact that I might have fucking kidney stones or kidney failure.
I hate the fact that I have to pee into this embarrassing 3 litre container that smells like shit the day before my next appointment.
I hate the fact that I have to take laxatives two days before my next appointment.
It doesn't help that the doctor doesn't seem to fucking care; fucking flippant, condescending bastard. But he's the doctor right? And I'm in a fucking government subsidized hospital because the ministry says I have to be. Look we have the fucking money to go to a private hospital and not take this shit.
But no. Of course not. Things don't work like that. You take what you get and don't grumble about all that could have been, because you'll just fuck yourself over and be unhappy.
The devil grins from ear to ear when he sees the hand he's dealt me. Too bad I don't have the option not to play.