Y Monday, September 21, 2009
5:27 pm
It's been a very, very long week. The weekend seemed as if it wouldn't end. It doubled the duration of the week. It's a lot for one person to take.Do you know the worst kind of pains?
It's the ones that are chronic. Not the sharp, piercing pain of a bullet wound, but the dull aches that stay with you, long after the bullet's removed, long after the wound's closed.
In this week alone I've felt a large myriad of emotions, more colourful than any rainbow.
Pain. Anger. Hate. Disgust. Jealousy. Confusion.
Hope. Happiness. Love.
But above all, bliss. Pure bliss.
Maybe the last four were lies. I think they were. It was what I forced upon myself, and others. But I felt it nevertheless. It's just, the price that was paid, was too heavy.
For the first time I thought not of the politically correct thing, but the thing I wanted. I went for it.
It was to lands far over the horizon - unpathed waters, undreamed shores. Before, I was timid, scared. Then I took a deep breath and went for it. Uncharted lands.
I was rewarded with treasures that turned false, and I left with less crew than I had departed with.
Yet in that process, I think I found myself again. The heart still beats.
I'd taken every opportunity that presented itself, except the last. Me being me, pulled back. Could have been the fatal mistake, could have changed naught of the outcome but merely delay it, could have been the right choice. It's still too early to find out, but it is perhaps, inconsequential.
What I do know, is that maybe I'm doomed to doing the right things. For a moment, if I thought just for myself, it seems everything falls apart. Happiness falsified and forced on others.
No. I'd live a life with nary a smile and just my brothers if it meant that. And I think I will. Rebuild the castle, my fortress. If you're not good enough, don't try. Don't burden the people around you with needless emotional baggage.
If you're a waste of oxygen, the least you could do is hide and not show yourself.
Got about 50 days left. Brace for impact. That, I can do.
But above all, do I hate you for making me feel that way? Yes, yes I do. Would I have done anything different? No. Maybe just the last parts.
Should you forgive yourself? No. No sin was committed to forgive. What should you do now? Anything except run away and disappear, shouldering the consequences of a crime non-existent.
Bottom line? We're still here. Hello.