Y Wednesday, September 30, 2009

10:00 pm

Magic does not exist.

What you see, what you hold, is a product of your actions, and yours alone.

Credit yourself.

Y Tuesday, September 29, 2009

11:17 pm

Huh. You know how every resolution doesn't seem to end cleanly? Yeah there's always residual mess to clean up, or to deal with. In some situations, the remains are enough to bring about a new host of problems.

Another situation.

Yes, residual laxatives are not fun to deal with, especially when you break your fast (for the sake of the X-ray, then again, y'all know I'm not religious) and start gorging yourself. The food has to end up somewhere right?

Not pretty.

Well least it's over, and I've gotten rid of the urine tankard. Back to school.

Y Monday, September 28, 2009

4:40 pm

I'm tired and it's been a loooooong day. Of doing nothing much, but anticipation's always worse than participation.

Collected my pee sample for 24 hours because that bastard told me to, made the toilet bowl my best friend no thanks to the laxatives, and in general just feel really sluggish and down.

Blood test (For the third time now) and x-ray tomorrow. Oh yeah and urine tank submission. God am I glad to be rid of that foul smelling monstrosity.

'course we all got our lil bundles of joy and pick me ups, and I guess it was more than enough to last me through the day.

Y Sunday, September 27, 2009

11:05 pm

Apparently, the different departments of the military aren't so orchestrated in dealing with new recruits, especially us conscripts. (Technically, NS is kinda like conscription eh?)

So I've got an up coming (possible) kidney problem, of which I have to collect my pee for 24 hours tomorrow. And induce diarrhea. Then go for an x-ray and blood test (for the third time) the next day.

Lovely lovely.

The next thing I know, the Navy sends another one of their recruitment promotion thing, and they included this triangular object (which you have to fold and paste yourself), which has three positions on each side. Powerpoint Manager. Excel Sheet Manager. Commanding Officer. Followed by my name. It's that triangular thing which you put on desks to show your name and position. The exact name escapes me.

Anyway, yes, Commanding Officer Ian with kidney failure. LOL.

Excel sheet manager and Powerpoint manager really stink, but those aren't actual positions. Come on.

It'd be clerk, or senior clerk, or presenter or whatever.

Add that I just saw Letters from Iwo Jima, and you see that war is really a terrible, horrifying thing no one should have to go through. Every soldier out there that died had a family. A mother, father. A wife. Children. Friends.

They're just like all of us. They have their story behind them, the own chapters of their lives that they've closed, or fresh ones that they're penning, even future, planned narrations.

They're the main characters of their lives, as much as we feel we are the stars of our lives.

I want no business with war.

Side note: It's always the Navy that sends their promotion thing. Makes you wonder. No one wants to join the Navy because, quite simply, it isn't attractive. IMO, our Navy is more of a glorified coast guard than anything else. We don't have them big mean ships because we don't need them.

See those Navy advertisements?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nimitz_class_aircraft_carrier

No really, I think a wiki page advertises better. This is what the US Navy has. That is why it is attractive to serve. Our largest ships are only a third as long and displace thirty times less water. IE. Frigates, the ships that they just LOVE to advertise. Read: Irrelevant except for patrol purposes.

Navy = Aicraft Carriers. Everything else is built around the carriers.

Commanding Officer Ian? Nah.

Chief Executive Officer Ian? Yeah, now we're talking.

Not disinformation, and no lies. Not with you. I promise.

Y Thursday, September 24, 2009

11:06 pm

Doesn't feel like A levels are coming, or at least I'm behaving in a manner which doesn't reflect it.

Got NFS Shift a week ago, loved it, probably have a long way to go with it.

Ditched school two days ago to grab Halo 3: ODST, got like four jealous people messaging me "WTF"s while I was playing, which I promptly ignored. Sorry having too much fun.

See, here's where studying pays off. It gives you an excuse to drag your sorry ass outta the house, then since you're out anyway, might as well hop by Suntec and preorder it.

Then collect it the moment, heck no, 2 hours before the release time. Ninja it back home once you have your grubby mitts on it. Play it until 1.30 am in the morning, until you finish it and disregard the fact that you have school.

Gloat about saving the world and kicking ass to the jealous lazy asses who couldn't be arsed to pre-order. Ah yes, and Dan Brown's new novel which my mum pre-ordered. Don't know if it's good, that's why I'll have to read it!

Hey I'll learn new words for GP, so technically, it isn't totally entertainment.

Self-justifications. Don't you just love them Ian?

Actually, they were what got me into the whole debacle last week, and a lot of other silly shit.

Did I mention? Kill Bill p1 and 2 tomorrow. In Blu-Ray. Darren's place. 5.1 surround sound. SECKS. A levels? Wuzzat?

*Softly, with a deep voice* "Son, I need to speak to you."

Y Tuesday, September 22, 2009

9:53 am

There are some things in life you cannot choose.

How you feel.

What you see when you close your eyes and finally sleep.

You can, however, accept your heritage and admit that you are King.

Y Monday, September 21, 2009

11:04 pm

So where is your god now?!

Lol. Only 30? Really?

I couldn't resist adding this one in.

2 and 3 tell a story. Can you figure it out?

5:27 pm

It's been a very, very long week. The weekend seemed as if it wouldn't end. It doubled the duration of the week. It's a lot for one person to take.

Do you know the worst kind of pains?

It's the ones that are chronic. Not the sharp, piercing pain of a bullet wound, but the dull aches that stay with you, long after the bullet's removed, long after the wound's closed.

In this week alone I've felt a large myriad of emotions, more colourful than any rainbow.

Pain. Anger. Hate. Disgust. Jealousy. Confusion.

Hope. Happiness. Love.

But above all, bliss. Pure bliss.

Maybe the last four were lies. I think they were. It was what I forced upon myself, and others. But I felt it nevertheless. It's just, the price that was paid, was too heavy.

For the first time I thought not of the politically correct thing, but the thing I wanted. I went for it.

It was to lands far over the horizon - unpathed waters, undreamed shores. Before, I was timid, scared. Then I took a deep breath and went for it. Uncharted lands.

I was rewarded with treasures that turned false, and I left with less crew than I had departed with.

Yet in that process, I think I found myself again. The heart still beats.

I'd taken every opportunity that presented itself, except the last. Me being me, pulled back. Could have been the fatal mistake, could have changed naught of the outcome but merely delay it, could have been the right choice. It's still too early to find out, but it is perhaps, inconsequential.

What I do know, is that maybe I'm doomed to doing the right things. For a moment, if I thought just for myself, it seems everything falls apart. Happiness falsified and forced on others.

No. I'd live a life with nary a smile and just my brothers if it meant that. And I think I will. Rebuild the castle, my fortress. If you're not good enough, don't try. Don't burden the people around you with needless emotional baggage.

If you're a waste of oxygen, the least you could do is hide and not show yourself.

Got about 50 days left. Brace for impact. That, I can do.

But above all, do I hate you for making me feel that way? Yes, yes I do. Would I have done anything different? No. Maybe just the last parts.

Should you forgive yourself? No. No sin was committed to forgive. What should you do now? Anything except run away and disappear, shouldering the consequences of a crime non-existent.

Bottom line? We're still here. Hello.

Y Sunday, September 20, 2009

11:17 am

I got up this morning, once earlier than normal to check for something, but it wasn't there as I expected.

Then twice at the usual alarm, but I wouldn't get up. The previous night, was a long night. I've lost some stuff, but learned a lot about myself. The thing is about the lost things, not all of them I had to lose. It's those things where you leave your hands out there for 'em to grab it, but they leave anyway.

I cut myself pretty bad when I was brushing my teeth this morning. Funny, I'm usually careful and this never happens. Blood was flowing out and it stained my teeth red. It wouldn't stop flowing no matter how many times I rinsed it, until I realized you just have to stop for a bit, let it clot, then rinse out the stains.

There's gonna be some stains leftover, sure, but it reminds you to be more careful. There isn't anything you can't learn from, and there isn't anything that's so bad you can't even begin to think of a solution. There's no problem that only has running as a solution.

Just when you think you're infallible, invulnerable, someone shows you that you have an Achillie's heel, a weakness, that you never knew was so debilitating.

I'm waiting for a lost friend. Have you seen her?

Y Saturday, September 19, 2009

10:13 pm

The boys are at Daniel's playing poker, it's odd how I didn't join them, but the reason's simple. I like poker, it's one of the few card games I actually like and play a little. But poker doesn't like me, so spectating is all I do, and poker isn't exactly a spectator friendly game.

Can't get too involved because it's sensitive, but it gets boring staying out and watching for too long, so I decided to meet bfoo, which, due to.. minor technicalities which were sorted out, resulted in me being late in meeting him.

Of course the blighter didn't mind, he had a free dinner and drink thrown in. Lucky bastard!

I've just been reminded of something, and it's that you can prepare for all outcomes, replay every scenario in your mind and deal with them. It's not a problem, at all. Not as if you'd be taken aback or unhappy at any of the outcomes. Everything's laid out, and you wait, look on, satisfied at what you've done.

Then y'know, the unexpected happens, as it always does. Should have seen it coming right? Yeah, Murphy's Law. What can happen will happen. It's not intrinsically good or bad, it just happens.

This time though, I can't help but to feel it's a bad way out. Not an outcome I like. At all.

Well you know what they say. Could haves, should haves, if onlys, maybes. Won't brood over what's done or can't be changed, though any of the probable, planned outcomes are better than what have happened, but when you're being pushed away there's not much you can do except hope and leave the hand outstretched.

Y Wednesday, September 16, 2009

11:48 pm

Tick tock tick tock.

"OH MY GOD I CAN'T REWIND TIME!"

No shit Sherlock.

"But I can make do with what I have left!"

That's better.

I've buried the ghosts of my past.

Y Tuesday, September 15, 2009

9:05 pm

Sometimes you're presented with two extremes, and it's hard to choose. You've always stuck to one, then one day you decide to move. It feels good, and you keep moving.

You make good progress, halfway there. Then you're caught in the middle and you get stuck there. You realize it's completely messed up, and you were better off at that goddamn corner, where you never moved. Maybe it wasn't good but at least it wasn't hard and you could keep lying to yourself that you didn't care.

Jesus. For all that I studied for Chem, I now realize how much I did not know. It's no longer "I don't know what I don't know." I worked towards "knowing everything" and I'm suspended now in "knowing what I don't know".

The end results don't change, it's just more difficult for me to deal with. Maybe it's like what Daniel said. The more you look at certain things, the less you know. Ignorance is bliss.

I hate the goddamn fact that I might have fucking kidney stones or kidney failure.

I hate the fact that I have to pee into this embarrassing 3 litre container that smells like shit the day before my next appointment.

I hate the fact that I have to take laxatives two days before my next appointment.

It doesn't help that the doctor doesn't seem to fucking care; fucking flippant, condescending bastard. But he's the doctor right? And I'm in a fucking government subsidized hospital because the ministry says I have to be. Look we have the fucking money to go to a private hospital and not take this shit.

But no. Of course not. Things don't work like that. You take what you get and don't grumble about all that could have been, because you'll just fuck yourself over and be unhappy.

The devil grins from ear to ear when he sees the hand he's dealt me. Too bad I don't have the option not to play.

Y Monday, September 14, 2009

11:58 pm

Guys, please don't go there.

When they said nice guys finish last, they meant it.

Funny how things change and you start doing things you never would have.

Y Sunday, September 13, 2009

11:21 pm

It's not like I've been slacking away.

Papers start tomorrow and it barely feels like I've had more than a day's worth of a break. Funny, time flies when you're having fun right? Not quite. Time flies when you're working on your A levels syllabus.

I've told my fair share of lies, not to anyone in particular, mostly to myself. It's incredible how people can lie to themselves and figure it's 'for the greater good'. Somehow, it comes back to haunt them. You can keep running, run for a life time. People do that. Until they find out it's just yawning at their heels, getting bigger.

Can't lie anymore that I don't care about everything, that I'm just getting through. I care. I care, a lot. The people around me, the people I know, the people I don't know.. everyone. I buried the lessons of my mother and lied that I don't know of compassion.

Today, I've learned to stop lying. For the first time in a long time, I feel as if I've made the right choice.

I don't know about heaven, but I believe in angels.

Y Saturday, September 12, 2009

12:09 am

"WHAT?"

Ian snapped to a sitting position, unnaturally quick and robotic. He felt his head smash into something, or someone, but it didn't matter. As suddenly as he got up, but with much less fanfare, Ian's shoulders slumped and he exhaled strongly. He tried to attune himself to his surroundings, but nothing made sense.

Kate groaned and tasted copper. Ian's unholy awakening had caught her unaware, and she was rewarded with a cut lip.

"Hey the guy got up. Better say your thanks to him Pete." Daniel said dismissively, evidently more absorbed with eliminating the remaining traces of slime in parts of his body he never knew existed.

Pete grunted, his knee joints popping as he stood up and loomed over Ian.

"Ya alright, kid?"

"Where am I? What the hell's going on? Who are you?" Ian's misguided reply was laced with pain and more than a little confusion.

"Wait I'm not in court? Where's the judge?"

A deafening silence fell on the room. The gazes of the other four bore into Ian, but consciousness was not in his list of things working right. He put his palms to his face and kneaded it.

"Look I don't know what the hell happened to you, but you're pretty banged up. Pull your shit together or we're all gonna die." Pete was no master of subtlety, and he did little to mask his impatience.

"You're in the Old Changi Hospital now, and you saved my goddamned ass from an insane batshit monster that wanted to tear my fucking throat out, then proceeded to pass out. It's been three days." Pete paused and watched Ian's eyes focus, digesting the new information presented to him.

"We have all the supplies we need, medicine, food, water, whatever. But no ammo. Sooner or later those dead hunks of meat are gonna find us, so we have to move, and we can't afford deadweight around." Pete continued and swallowed, giving Ian just enough respite to savour their situation.

"Step one: We look for ammo. Step two: We find a means of transport off this sunny island. Step three, we live our lives and hope we never fucking see each other again."

"Alright. What about Plan B?" Ian croaked weakly. The least the bastard could do was realize he just saved his life, and had something gut him, and was in a coma for three days. No dice.

Pete cackled.

"Son, there is no Plan B."

Ian touched his side gingerly, and felt a smooth textile. It wasn't the burning pit of coals he remembered it to be, but the pain ebbed enough to serve as a reminder that the synapses in his brain still worked.

"Okay right? I do one."

Ian tuned his head slowly towards the familiar, chirpy voice and smiled. Kate was alright.

"Yeah. Yeah it's fine, thanks. Sorry about your lip."

She licked the traces of blood pooling on the crevasses of her lips, curling it slightly and shook her head gently, saying nothing.

A grunt blanketed the still air, and Pete sauntered back to Ian, clicking on the safety of a pistol.

"Hate to interrupt your little tete-a-tete, but I think this belongs to you. Solid firearm. Cleaned it out for ya, it's got a few rounds left. Keep it well, you're a pretty decent shot."

Pete stretched his arm and handed the pistol grip first to Ian. Ian welcomed the familiar sensation of cold steel and polymer in his hands.

"Ah yeah, I'm Pete. The guy with the stolen Armani suit dipped in slime's Daniel. That quiet guy there, he's Sean. Picked him up along with you two. Get some rest. We leave in an hour."

Pete returned to his corner of the basement and checked his backpack, while Kate poured Ian a glass of water and prepared some painkillers. Ian felt his wrist, and he froze as a chill streaked up his spine. Adrenaline spiked momentarily as he confirmed the impossible - his mother's watch. Looks like he wasn't done here after all.

Silence descended the basement once more, but not for long.

The unmistakable cacophony of screaming military aircraft sounded overhead, accompanied shortly by a thunderous symphony of military-grade bombs carpeting the ground in a deadly, fiery embrace.

Pete spun around and hardened his eyes.

"Almost forgot. US military's here. No idea why, but they're our ticket out."

Y Wednesday, September 09, 2009

10:34 pm

You'd think they'd treat you better when you're dead and gone. But like the many things in life, I'm dead wrong. I wish I could be surprised. Feels like I'm past that.

Anyway, looks like the doors behind are locked, if they were even doors. Door knob, door knob.. nope. The room was pitch black. The blind were lucky enough to function without sight. I wasn't nearly as fortunate.

Guess I'm going to have to grope my way around. Not that it's anything unfamiliar. Even before the world went to hell, no one knew what was going on in their lives. The infection just gave a new meaning to zombies - putrid and rotting instead of workaholic and consumerist. Either way, both kinds are dead.

"About as dead as you are. Welcome to, well, you can call it the court of life. We're not exactly the Abrahamic Gods that are so popular amongst you people, but it's close enough."

Privy to privacy. Just like that Peter guy, or should I say Saint Peter?

"So that's it? My curtain call?"

"Pretty much."

Huh. Sucks.

"So this is like some judgment thing yes? To determine if I go to heaven or hell? A blow by blow account of my life and whether it was right or wrong?"

"Sort of."

"Just so you know, I am, or rather, was an atheist. In life of course."

I almost laughed. I'm going to determine the quality of the rest of my.. well, eternity and I'm this concerned?

"You do know the lake of fire was a hoax to induce fear? You mortals are ingenius at.. as you say it 'ripping people off'."

No lake of fire for me. Whoopee.

"Great. Anyway let's start, not a long life, but it's been awhile, and I want to make this quick."

"As you wish. Let's see.. fertilization, gestation, birth.. ah there. When you were five months old, you had colic, am I right to say that?"

"Yeah I guess. Mum told me. Wailed like the little shit I was."

"Are you guilty of faking your colic at times, just for attention?"

"The hell? Are you serious?"

"Are you or are you not guilty of faking your colic for attention? Lying. Did you lie? Do not repeat this mistake again!"

"This is fucking ridiculo-"

Something sharp and hot bores into my head.

I wanted to scream, but somehow, I didn't. Before I knew it I was on all fours. Funny, I'm not bleeding, and there's nothing behind my head.

"Answer me."

"Fuck me I don't know. Is this one of those trials where they force you to confess? If so just spare me the goddamned trouble."

"Guilty then."

"Whatever. The next time you have a kid make sure to call him a liar as well alright?"

The lights come on, blinding me temporarily. Something drops behind me. My mother's watch! What's it doing here? I thought I lost it. It's a little too small, but it's always been that way. Somethings never change, or you don't want them to.

"Theft now? Disappointing. That's your mother's watch. Did you-

Wait a second, I've been talking to a disembodied voice all along. Where's the fella?

"-oup. Looks like there's an error. My apologies, you're in a bit early. You're free to go."

Honestly.

"Yes, honestly. We made an error it seems. Says here on your file you're not due for some time. You aren't finished there. Tata!"

"Wha-"

I thought I saw her face. I thought I saw the past, the past of happier times. I thought I saw myself smile.

I thought wrong.

The ghosts of your past will never let you go.

Y Tuesday, September 08, 2009

2:26 am

Study break begins! KGO.

I did a chapter of chemistry and some math. Math wasn't bad, in fact it was entertaining when I could solve it.

Having said that, yeah, it still feels shitty when your friends discuss something which you take for granted is another subject, therefore it's natural you don't know anything.

Until you hear one or two familiar words and realize it's something you have to know. Actually, no, I take that back. It's not something you have to know, it's something you should have already known, and it sure as hell isn't another subject.

Good grief.

And we lay we lay together just not
Too close, too close
(How close is close enough?)
We lay, we lay together just not
Too close, too close

Y Wednesday, September 02, 2009

11:49 pm

Perceptions unadopted
Challenges unattempted
Mettle untested
Opportunities unbothered

Regrets.. well, unsurprisingly, unavoidable.

That's CJC summed up.

Perseverance however, undying.

That's for me, and for the brothers that stayed beside me.
Nah wait.
It's for us, for the brothers that stayed strong beside each other.

Keep truckin for another 58 days and we'll be jus' peachy.

Y Tuesday, September 01, 2009

11:10 pm

Y'know I'm ashamed to say, but it's took me long enough to realize something. No, I didn't just dawn upon it today, but it's recent, and it's that's stretching pardons for being tardy.

I have problems. Sure. Lots of them. Many facets in my life are, well, not working right. Could be better. Some not in my power to correct, others within reach but I'm not budging. Some thrust on me, others of my own doing.

In the eye of that shit storm though, I've pretty much forgotten something I've enunciated for as long as I can remember. The world does not care. Guess what? Other people have problems too. Mine seem miniscule, unimportant and even embarrassing to even mention, let alone get upset about.

If I'm not going to shut up and solve it, guess what, no one else is going to give a flying fuck. There are people with issues that pertain to life and death, and I'm not even risking a hair here. It's juvenile to even be concerned with such 'problems'.

You know what? From now on, I'll call them speed bumps. Just drive the fuck over them. It's a minor hiccup in the otherwise fucked up, excruciatingly long and winding road we call life.

The kicker? My solvable problems have simple solutions. Goddamn waste of oxygen you are, Ian.

EDIT: I speel gudz. GP's in 8 1/2 hours and I'm STILL making grammatical errors. Fuck this.